Great Expectations
On day 325
“Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity. . .” ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 62
What drives you? Me, I used to be driven by selfishness. And expectations. And fear.
I wanted to have fun. I wanted to escape. I wanted to feel like I had not a care in the world. I wanted to disappear into a keg of beer.
That kind of hedonism complex can only get you so far. Just ask Hunter S. Thompson, god bless his writing soul. (I am re reading “The Kentucky Derby is Decadent and Depraved” so I had to give a shout out).
I also wanted to be the best. I wanted acknowledgment and gold stars and was terrified of failure.
It wasn’t good, that's obvious, but I'm finally starting to understand what truly motivated me. It wasn't pure selfishness because I did want to help people, my clients, other writers, and my family and friends, but I didn't know how to let go of my own crazy expectations for myself. I was a star in my mind, but stars explode sometimes and of course, I needed an escape. So into the bottle I went. Like in the old tv show “I Dream of Jeannie”. Trapped.
One example was my literary podcast. Toward the end, it was way too much for me, but I kept pushing myself. Feeling like I needed to meet my own outsized ideals for myself. I was working full time and writing on weekends, and taking a class online, yet somehow I kept thinking to myself, I need to keep doing the podcast even though it had become untenable.
The day I decided to wind down the podcast was a happy day because I gave myself the permission to put myself first. I felt as if a fifty pound weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I remember literally sighing with relief.
I will always be driven, but no longer am I driven to do the undoable. I am not Wonder Woman. I am just me. I know how to say no now. With grace. My only expectation for myself is to stay sober.
On day 325.
