Madness
On day 206
I grew up in chaos. Because of it, I always say I can do crazy, I just cannot do sane. Come on, seriously, I practice law and specialize in 1368 law which deals with incompetency. And I wrote my last essay for my upcoming book of hybrid essays as a legal brief with interspersed memoir arguing whether Hamlet was insane. So I know the topic of madness all too well.
I also know well the legal definition for insanity and incompetency (they are very different), but colloquially, insanity is said to be doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.
Drinking was that way for me. I was chasing something that didn’t exist any longer, maybe it never did. Alcohol for me was a way to create a utopia where I didn’t have to worry about anything, which is not realistic.
Yesterday, Pippin the Shih Tzu went to chemo. He has lymphoma. We don't know how this is going to go, but I am having him treated and he is doing better than I hoped for. But after I dropped him off yesterday, I had overwhelming anxiety (not a panic attack because I used my coping mechanisms I learned in therapy years back) about what could happen. The vet was upfront when I dropped Pippin off, he wasn’t sure how Pippin would do, but luckily, he did great. All my worry dissipated when I picked my Pippin up.
Still, every week will be an ordeal. I know this. And eventually, whether soon or in a year or so, I will have to let my Pippin go. But for now, I will just try to live in the moment and not do crazy anymore. I’m finding that sanity and serenity has its perks.
On day 206.
