Making a list and checking it twice
On day 327
On the eighth step (I'm on the eleventh if you’re wondering) I made a list of all of the people I had harmed. I did this with my sponsor. It is an intensely personal process that I will not get into the specifics of. But I've always been a list person.
Top 5 bands of all time? It varies but right now it goes like this: 5. The Pixies 4. The Replacements 3. Siouxsie and the Banshees 2. The Cure 1. The Smiths.
Yet, I'm listening to a lot of Shins and Wilco lately and X always. Plus, the Beatles are such a foundation. How do I not include them? That's the problem with lists. You usually miss someone.
My favorite singer of all time is Bowie. And for females, maybe surprisingly to you, I am obsessed with some Joni Mitchell. My favorite album is Ziggy Stardust. And The Queen is Dead for second place. But how do I not include Never Mind the Bollocks, Here’s The Sex Pistols? It’s such a perfect punk album. We all know this. Or the debut of the New York Dolls? What about Beauty and the Beat by the Go-Go’s? Another bunch of perfect albums. Then of course, Doolittle by the Pixies. Tim by the Replacements. Under the Big Black Sun by X.
My favorite books include Angela’s Ashes, Dubliners, The Outsiders, House on Mango Street, and The Wizard of Oz. But there’s really too many to name. Authors? Too many to count but I can make you a quick list, James Joyce, Junot Diaz, Mary Karr, Dorothy Allison, Sandra Cisneros, Joan Didion and David Sedaris, but there are so many more.
So I am a list person. Yet, this list for my step 8 filled me with dread because I knew what was coming next. Making amends. Again, a very personal process that I will not get into, but the ninth step, at least for me, was not what I expected. It went better than I had hoped except for one exception that I shall remain silent about. Silence says everything sometimes I think. It holds and speaks volumes. The unsaid. I will leave it at that.
But what I find the most interesting is that if you are truly working the steps to a better you, then amends continue. You say something shitty to someone at work? Make amends the next day. It feels good to fix it. Truly.
So I will continue to make amends. Again and again as I live my life. I will morph every day. My lists will change. I will discover things about myself through the steps.
For example, last night I got home from work and was debating whether to try to drive up the hill. The traffic was obscene and got worse as the sky darkened. The old JEM would have pushed herself to get in the car. But no, I thought, why? So I just took a breath and let myself rest.
I was so tired that I fell asleep on the futon, a Shih Tzu by each side. And one at my feet. There’s three of them, the best list of all: Pippin, Merry and Princess. It’s 4 am now. The sun will rise soon. I can make a list of things to do later. Just trying to just be me.
On day 327.
ohhhhh step 8 i think this is the hardest step for me my inner critic part is sooooo harsh my people pleasing part has no problem admitting a mistake and making amends but the inner critic part facing her totally no bullshit self part thats my work ohhhhh i send u so much love ..... and the bands the albums love all your lists house on mango street hits my gut just like a joni song those are like my step 8s too
The power of a list! The simplicity you share in this task and yet the importance of it. The life altering moment of completing step 8 and using those tools daily to enjoy life for all of it’s imperfections. Thank you for showing me that amends and self-evaluation is a beautiful process and allows for a life of freedom.