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On day 303

For thousands of years we have been demanding more than our share of security, prestige, and romance. When we seemed to be succeeding, we drank to dream still greater dreams. When we were frustrated, even in part, we drank for oblivion. Never was there enough of what we thought we wanted. -TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 71

Today, on day 303, I just want peace. And I have started coveting less material things. Mostly, I do not need to drink myself into oblivion anymore. What was that all for?

I think ultimately it was to quiet my mind. I've always been able to work fast. I read quick. I write relatively speedy. But with that rapidity came anxiety. The inability to relax, to come down, and to be still. Always moving. Task orientated. A doer. A mover. A shaker. Then it all came tumbling down. Like in Jericho.

It was no longer cool and it was definitely not romantic. A few years back, I worked on a noir story while I still was drinking, one about a girl sitting at a casino keno machine. Older. Cigarette in hand. Leopard dress but sloppy drunk. Not cute. It didn't work as a story because I couldn't see the end. Well maybe I could, but I didn't want to write it. Now that I'm sober, the novel I'm working on has a protagonist who works at a truck stop diner by day and drinks at night at a dive bar. She’s alone. But not for long. We will see where it goes.

I want to stop moving so much. No more walls a falling. No more shattering earthquakes. I don’t have to drink. I don't have to say yes to everything else either. I still do a few events. I have an event at the Highgrove Library on August 29th with Tomas Baiza. We will be talking about his book Mexican Teeth. I love this book so much. I judged the Inlandia Eliud Martinez book prize for 2023 and this is the winner. It's beautiful. It’s brilliant and it makes you think. And man, he has a voice.

Back to me. Maybe I am meant to pull back. To do less. And hey my less, truth be told, is most people’s more. I’m just a masochist for work. I’m always doing something. Plus, I'm working on my books (the other is a book of essays), and I'll take a class in September to finish my MFA finally, but I'm saying no to a lot and that’s okay.

It’s all right baby. As Buddy Holly sang, “well all right”. No more being foolish for me. Just one step and one day at a time baby.

On day 303.