Powerlessness
On day 115
The daily reflection for today illustrates how my powerlessness over alcohol is real and true.
“My powerlessness over alcohol does not cease when I quit drinking. In sobriety I still have no choice — I can’t drink.” (Daily Reflection, January 8th)
For me, the hardest thing once I started drinking was to stop. I always, or almost always, overdid it. I used to love the feeling of a cold beer or a chilled glass of champagne in my hand.
But no more. I truly believe that I have lost the craving for alcohol. Truth is, I pickled myself. I overdid it to the point where I can’t do it anymore, going from cucumber to pickle as they say. Once there, you can’t go back.
It reminds me of the time I ate a hot pocket almost every workday for a year. I was commuting from the high desert to work and had to leave early so that was my breakfast. After that year, I couldn’t even look at a hot pocket without going, oh no way. Plus, that year was a bad one, after a horrible miscarriage, we moved back to our house to find our tenants had vandalized our home. That year is not one I remember with fondness. And I wasn’t drinking. But life sucked as life can.
With alcohol, I know it’s not in me to do it anymore. It wasn’t all bad. It worked until it didn’t, and after our inability to have kids, I thought, why not? Have fun. But it sure wasn’t fun toward the end of my drinking days. And now, I know, if I go there, I will end up sick, wondering, why the hell did I drink?
So here I sit, still a newcomer at day 115. I am just trying to work the steps with my sponsor. One day at a time. Sober. And now, it is time for my coffee.
